My family does not go to church. I do not feel that the public school system in general or our local school in particular stifles my child’s creative and/or earning potential. I am not a member of cult or a coven or a commando survivalist group that stockpiles soup and weapons in anticipation of the end of the world. I did, however, buy my partner a hand-crank coffee grinder for Christmas and I’ve also decided to home school my 12-year-old daughter.
I’ve recently earned my Bachelor’s degree in History and am accepted into a Master’s program through University of Alaska Anchorage where I will get a degree in Secondary Education and a teaching certificate. I meet the federal “Highly Qualified” standards for 7th-12th grade Social Studies and am just a few classes shy of meeting the Language Arts standards. I am mostly a stay-at-home mother, although up until recently I was a substitute teacher for the various schools in the area. I am also a Girl Scout Troop Leader.
My partner works on a drilling rig on the North Slope of Alaska and is away for two weeks at a time. We have a 2 & 1/2–year-old daughter, Morgan, and I’m 34 weeks pregnant with a son, Quinn. We also have two 5-month-old Chesapeake Bay Retrievers, an elderly pony and two cats who spend most of their time outside. We live comfortably but very carefully on a nice piece of property overlooking the Anchor River in a house which we are currently building ourselves and out-of-pocket.
I tell you all of this to make it clear that right now I have the resources, ability and, most importantly, the time, to spend engaged in academic activities with my daughter, Colleen. If I was in my Master’s program or employed full-time I wouldn’t have dreamed of home schooling as a possibility for us. Because circumstances have aligned so perfectly, home schooling seems to be the best solution for a persistent and pervasive problem that we’ve been having with our dear girl.
As the title of this piece implies, I am not an easy-going, “Can I get anything for you, Sweetheart,” wait hand-and-foot on my kids kind of soccer mom. I expect my children, even the 2-year-old, to be assets to our family, not liabilities, as much as they are able. In Colleen’s case, we expect her to get up in the morning, dress, pack her lunch, feed and water the animals, eat breakfast and take herself off to the bus in a timely fashion. In the evenings, we expect her to care for the animals again, bring in firewood and complete her homework. She is also expected to keep her room clean, her grades up and to do her own laundry at all times and to help me with her little sister and various housekeeping chores, when asked.
She is not expected to do these things without help or guidance but she is expected to do them without constant supervision or haranguing. She is in the gifted program at her school, after all. I do not feel I should have to tell her why hot, soapy water is best for washing dishes more than twice during any given week! I also don’t expect, as I’ve often heard from other parents, that “it would be easier for me to just do it myself.” If Colleen has been shown how to do something a couple of times, I expect her to be able to do it and do it well. She’s twelve. Not six.
Also, we aren’t talking about an allowance for chores type of exchange. Since when does a person get paid for keeping themselves and their home tidy? Since when does a person get paid for helping out their family? Since never. Colleen has opportunities to work for cash, here and there, but I don’t believe that earning money and its attendant lessons in fiscal responsibility (also an important part in raising a child) belong in the same realm as taking care of her person and being an asset to her household. We are allowed to quit our jobs, after all, but quitting on ourselves and our families is more problematic.
I’m sure that there are people out there who read this and think that I’m some kind of dragon or Mommy Dearest. Oh, well. Your loss. And your child’s loss! I’ve seen too many young adults not know a washer from a dryer or which end of a package of Ramen is up. Fulfilling household expectations isn’t about slave labor (although there are days when I think about adopting half a dozen able-bodied yard hands) having household expectations is about learning life skills.
I used to take it for granted that parents taught their children basic cooking, cleaning and childcare procedures. It’s how I was brought up and, in comparison to many of my peers, I wasn’t really expected to do all that much. I never had to drive a tractor or a fishing boat, I wasn’t expected to do buy my own clothes or school supplies and I generally got some payment for babysitting. I have found, however, that there’s a whole other end to the spectrum. I have heard of people who never washed a dish, held a baby (Let’s not even talk about diapers!) or swept a floor during their childhood. And it seems like that is becoming more and more “normal!” At least it is among Colleen’s peers.
When I hear these things I think about the poor beleaguered mothers and fathers who spend their days working to provide an income and their nights working to keep these kids clean and fed in a house that wouldn’t be condemned by a health inspector. That’s a lot to ask, I think, in exchange for the pleasure of driving their ungrateful rear-ends to and from this practice and that game, for buying them their gizmos and gadgets, doo-hickies and doo-dads and for basically being someone’s emotional hostage for a lifetime. I mean, sure, kids don’t ask to be born but my philosophy is they ought to be grateful for the opportunity at life!
To get back around to our problem with Colleen and the home schooling decision, our dear girl falls short of the above expectations and exhibits a low-level but near-constant attitude of contempt and defiance toward my partner and I. I find myself sounding like a broken record, repeating the litany of chores that’s clearly posted where she can see it, right next to Bill Gates’ “Life isn’t fair, get over it” speech. My partner and I find little undone surprises all day long and get cranky at each other over who should have checked to make sure that the horse had water. I find myself avoiding looking at her room for fear it will turn out to be an “issue” that needs to be “addressed” which plain ruins an evening! With her at school and involved with sports, Girl Scouts, art classes and all sorts of other activities what little time we do spend together is spent in a tense rehash of the responsibilities that she isn’t meeting. In short, our relationship sucks and I’m tired of it!
“Oh, that’s normal for a 12-year-old!” many of you will exclaim. And I would agree with you. Yes. Her attitude and behavior does seem to be “normal” for your average American adolescent. But “normal” isn’t acceptable to me or my partner, our household or our lifestyle. Especially since she is patently capable of so much better. So let’s all just agree that “normal” has no place in this argument or conversation. I could show you what “normal” is in other places and times and they will have nothing to do with “normal” now. As I tell Colleen, 12-year-olds are heads of households in some parts of the world. She can get her chores done.
I have to add here that Colleen spent 7 years between the ages of 3 and 10 in the primary custody of her father. The situation was at best neglectful, at worst abusive and always chaotic. The custody battle was lengthy and not pretty but she is now full-time with me and experiences very little and very restricted visitation with her father. When she first came to live with my partner and I 2 & ½ years ago, she had the brains of an 18-year-old and the home habits of a toddler. The discrepancy was very disconcerting.
It must be said that, compared with her first few months here, she has grown by leaps and bounds. That first year we battled over losing things between home and school, last year we struggled over turning in homework assignments and maintaining A’s and B’s, this year we fight over the chore list. When I’ve discussed these issues with friends and family and I complain about her flippant remarks, eye-rolling and seeming lack of concern the conversation has always come back to, “Well, you know, she did spend seven years away from you,” or “Well, you know, it isn’t as if she’s had all that long to get used to the way you want things.” Basically, it seems, that our problem, Colleen and I, is that we haven’t had a lifetime of growing in one another’s company. She hasn’t had the benefit of constant and quality time with her mother and evenings, week-ends and vacations aren’t making up for seven years of loss!
Luckily, the stars have aligned and I hope, with this little experiment in home schooling, that Colleen and I can have some quality one-on-one experiences both with her academic work, living responsible and active lives and in keeping this house.
And, because home school is so… weird… I’ve decided to keep a blog about it.
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